CARS BANNED FROM SAN JOSE (parody)

CARS BANNED FROM SAN JOSE

Controversial 'Dockless' Vehicles Must Cease Use by Dec. 31

"Enough is Enough,"

For Immediate Release (San Jose, CA) Dec. 19th After a lengthy meeting yesterday, San Jose's city council, led by Mayor Dan Liccardo, voted unanimously to ban motor vehicles from the city.

Controversial since their initial rollout over 100 years ago, motor vehicles, led by a secretive industry that has fought against safety and environmental regulations, have until December 31 to pull their 'dockless' vehicles from the city.

"We've given these companies time to innovate and make their vehicles safe for our streets, but at the end of the day we reached an impasse," said Mayor Dan Liccardo. "Motor vehicles have killed 50 people in the city in just the past year - 22 of which are pedestrians - and it is time for this reign of terror on our street to end."

The motor vehicles are notable for their ability to be stored anywhere with little if any repercussions for the end user. Complaints about the motor vehicles blocking sidewalks, driveways, access ramps, and intersections have been rampant since the century-old rollout but motor vehicle companies complained they have been 'misunderstood' and 'misrepresented' through the entire process.

"We provide a product that is very convenient for the end user," said Brad Travis, CEO of BMW. "Demanding that they be governed to city speed limits and that they have technology installed so they cannot be stored in a bike lane is a bridge too far for us."

Travis also complained of the recent, "Butt-Out-Of-The-Bikelane!" campaign which, over recent weeks, been attaching tiny dog-butt refrigerator magnets to dockless motor vehicles stored in the bike lane in an attempt to shame the user in changing his or her behavior.

The entrenched bicycle, pedestrian and scooter industries in the city applauded the San Jose city council's decision.

"There are cities that have changed to accommodate motor vehicles, but it isn't enough," said Camille Wallace of the Northern California Chapter of CCBBPP. "We know of several that have actually permitted 25% of their surface area for on-street storage of unused motor vehicles and the arrogant users of these motor vehicles keep complaining it still isn't enough. The streets have to be used for people instead of motor vehicles."

Because the decision made by the city council opens up thousands of acres for building affordable housing, non-profit home builder Leo Levin also applauded the decision.

"City land is valuable and it should go to people, not dockless motor vehicles," he said. "Now that all of this land has opened up and taken back from motor vehicles we can finally build affordable housing which is so desperately needed in the city."

As the meeting continued, a man identifying himself as Thorton Cornelious proposed an idea called "Closed Streets" in which motor vehicles would be permitted to use up to six miles of San Jose streets one day a year. City Hall is considering the idea in the next meeting in January. 

NOTE: the above is a parody and not to be taken seriously (but San Jose city hall is bringing up e-scooter regulations tonight!)